Family

Last weekend I attended a funeral that acknowledged the life of a woman who lived 96 years.  There were multiple stories told whereas a stranger could get a sense of who this person was.  As an “outsider” at this funeral one thing that really resonated with me was the meaning of family.  A sister 94 years of age, two children, grandchildren, and a host of nieces and nephews who brought spouses and offspring gathered after the grave site service to share memories of the deceased, catch up with what was occurring in their own lives, and partake in eating tasty food prepared by friends, family and members of a church the sister attends.  It was more a joyous event than a solemn one.

Death has a unique way of bringing people together.  Most often they shove aside differences for a short period of time to honor the departed.  It can provide a forum to repair deep seated wounds and rekindle relationships.  It can also be a time when civility is afforded at the funeral and then a greater degree of estrangement afterwards.  While no family is without some speck of dysfunction, this particular family I was fortunate to befriend was close knit and very accepting of each other, flaws and all. 

This observation caused me to ponder about my own family.  I have a close, healthy and good relationship with my wife, children, and mother.  Facebook has allowed me reconnect with cousins and even second cousins.  My father died in 1999.  Since then, the relationships with my siblings have been fairly non-existent.  I don’t dwell on why or how we got here, I just accept that we all just don’t want to be in the same room at the same time and if we never saw each other again, sadly we would be ok with that.  I trust that civility will rule when the time arrives to pay homage to my mother’s life. 

An acute difference between my family and the family of the deceased is geographic proximity.  I look at the closeness of my cousins on my dad’s side of the family.  All my uncles and aunts on both sides of the family never strayed too far from Colorado, nor have most of my cousins (1 state radius - AZ, NM, UT, WY).   The lack of distance between residences enables easier pathways to enjoy face-to-face interaction.  Growing up in Tennessee is considerably different than growing up in Colorado or Wyoming and that distance along with limited interaction does not fare well for closeness.  It is the closeness of my parents to their siblings that fostered the relationships I now have with my cousins and second cousins.

My father was the exception in his family.   He had an independent and restless soul.  During my first year of school I attended 3 schools in 2 different states (Washington & Colorado).  My dad then accepted a job in Newfoundland, Canada and we lived there 4 years.  While in Canada, we spent 2 weeks each summer on the road going back to Colorado to visit family.  Those were fun and memorable times.  After Canada we landed in Tennessee…1,000 miles away from Colorado.    

The family of the 96 year old deceased matriarch all live in Arkansas.  What was interesting to me was that even though they all reside less than 2 hours from each other, they only assemble collectively at funerals.  Yet, because they all grew up together in the same or nearby towns, there was a closeness that could not be missed by anyone who was there.  Each year during the July 4 holiday, my dad’s side of the family has a reunion in Colorado that provides an opportunity to strengthen the familial bond.   I would really like to attend this year, but my job situation won’t allow me, however it is on my calendar for 2012/2013.  It has been decades since I have last seen many of my cousins…much too long! 

Like my father, I was the only child of my parents to leave home base.  I moved to Texas.  Needless to say, my interactions with my family are far too infrequent.  My granddaughter is growing up so quickly and I am missing so much of the magic moments that define who she is becoming.  The internet, smart phones and Facebook provide a bridge to overcome distance in maintaining a close, strong and healthy relationship, but it is never quite the same as being there in the present.   Looks like it’s about time to go back to Tennessee or Colorado J.

The Choice To Be or Not To Be

Recently a person < 50 years of age whom I have known over 30 years sadly committed suicide.  Personal setbacks due to tragic circumstances were perhaps the breaking point for this individual.  As I contemplated this unfortunate and untimely death, it brought to mind at least 3 other people who I knew that also left this world by their own decision.  One was a young lady who once had a school girl crush on me and took her life over a broken relationship.  Another was a head of household neighbor who had enough after experiencing the 3^rd house fire in a short period of time in which the family lost everything each time.  And finally, one was a young man who once lived with my family who found life too difficult in an era that was less considerate of diverse populations.

Suicide can be defined as “the process of purposely ending one’s own life.”¹   It has infiltrated our society and is ranked the 4^th leading cause of death between the ages of 18 and 65, i.e., 80 per day out of 1,500 attempts.  

This purposeful act of ending life for self generally is spurred on by multiple factors and variables.  We also see it as a way of supporting beliefs or passions – kamikazes during WWII, suicide bombers via fanatical zealots, martyrdom, just to name a few. 

Since today is Good Friday, I wondered about Jesus Christ in the context of the definition. Could his death be considered a form of suicide?  He passively surrendered to those who would eventually lead him to his crucifixion knowing that he would soon lose his life.  In Matthew 26:53 he suggested to the multitudes who accompanied his betrayer, Judas, that he could summon 12 legions (50,400-72,000) of angels if he prayed to his Father, but chose not to because his death was foretold in the scriptures.  Of course, his death was unlike any other death.  His death provided Christians salvation and eternal life. 

An early lesson learned in appreciating diversity for me was to make every effort not to make judgments about others.   I can only judge my own life and my responses to it.  I consider myself to be very fortunate.  I have my health, sound mind most of the time, a great family and my basic needs satisfied.  Living where I have lived and working in hospitals for the past 15 years is a quick and constant reminder of  how many people have more difficult challenges than what I have.

 

 I recognize as people we are very much alike, but also very different in the sense of how we have got to where we are on any given day.   Our experiences shape much of our persona that isn’t governed by genetic dispositions.  And the interpretations of experiences number as many as the people who live them.   Often those interpretations drive behaviors that further define either who we are or who we will become.  All this said, every one of us has a different story that has value and each unique story has conscious choices of paths travelled and to be travelled.

I love living.  I could never consider ending my life prematurely.  Even if I had an inclination to do so, I believe I would be too much of a coward in this instance to go through with it.  I understand the things that might drive people to consider or attempt suicide and have empathy for them, but I don’t agree with their choice to not to be in most instances.

On a recent episode of the television show House, a doctor with a terminal hereditary condition was providing care to her brother who had the same condition, only much more advanced.  This doctor assisted in her brother’s suicide to accelerate the inevitable.  Dr. House informed the doctor that he would do the same for her when the time came.  I think if I should ever be diagnosed with a condition that was terminal and with unbearable pain, that it would be quite alright if Dr. House also paid me a visit.   

Sources:

1 – www.medicinenet.com/suicide/article.htm

Passion

Passion is driver of desire, an emotional tug that overtakes logic, and a motivator for action.  Passion also varies in degree which is person dependent.  Perhaps at the most extreme we find people who are adamant and fanatical about what they believe, so much that they are willing to sacrifice their life as a result that passion. 

What is the one thing, or several things that get your juices flowing and brings out the best in you?  Does your work fulfill the need to satisfy your passion(s)?  Are you engaging in those activities that support your passion(s) enough to find your life truly rewarding and enjoyable?

A year or so ago my daughter was pursing a job as an instructor at a dance studio.  She relayed to me how much she loved to dance and how good it made her feel.  She didn’t land the job, but she didn’t forget that passion.  Recently she attained her certification to teach Zumba dance classes.  Each time we spoke about this new direction in her life I could hear the enthusiasm and excitement in her voice.  To show my support in her new found passion, I purchased a portable sound system that is iPod compatible and a iPod Nano to store her new Latin tunes that she can use for her classes.  In just a month she has booked 3 locations with many more gigs and locations to follow. 

Her husband is a MMA fighter by night and works at a city boxing gym by day…which shows he has aligned his work with his passion.  My wife asked me why would someone want to go into a high risk situation with the likelihood of becoming injured?  Certainly, the passion does not lie in some sadistic desire to get hit and absorb punishment.  Or at least I hope not.  I can not speak for him, but I told her when I climbed  in the ring, to box it was the thrill of competition in matching my skills against those of another.   I had quick hands and a long reach…not so much any more.   I suspect he has the same rationale since I know him to be a competitor and a former high school state wrestling champion.    

My stepson left for Afghanistan this week to take part in defending freedom for us and others.  The Army is a logical progression of his passion to service and duty after earning the rank of Eagle Scout in the Boy Scouts.

 My son who is in the early stages of college is in the process of discovering what his passion in life is.  After 15 years of recreational and competitive youth soccer I thought his passion for the game would carry forward after a few colleges were offering him scholarships to play soccer for them, but he declined.  His likeness for the game is still there since he plays in an adult league and in pick up games in the park every week, but it does not consume him as a passion would.  For me, the beautiful game is one of my few passions.  The hours I spend watching television in any given week contains more soccer matches than any other program viewed and I devote 2 – 6 hours per week coaching teenage boys.  If my knees would allow me, I would be playing on at least one adult team as well. 

How many people do you know absolutely love what they do for a living?  How many people do you know feel trapped in a job they dread going to every day?  In which category do you best fit?

Most of us have to work full-time.  In any given work year, a 40 hour week at 52 weeks a year equates to 23.7% of life spent at work.  Another way to look at is if you worked full time every year from age 20 to 65 that would be 93,600 hours spent at work.  Another significant time taker is sleeping.  If you require 8 hours of sleep a night, then 33.3% of your life is with eyes closed.  If you are a Type A person like me, who requires 6 hours or less, then you are awake, though not necessarily alert, 75% of the time.  Coupling work and sleep give us nearly 50% of our waking hours as discretionary time which allows us to engage in the things we enjoy doing.  In reality, that “free” time is encroached by hours spent in traffic, housekeeping, lines at the bank or store, time spent waiting to see the medical practitioner, and many other things that we endure to satisfy basic survival and security needs.  At the end of the day, very little time is available to devote to what motivates us most.

That brings me to defining what my next job should be.  For 15+ plus years I have been in the human resources arena.   I look at my strengths taken from inventory in the book titled Strengths 2.0 by Tom Rath, that suggest the following:  Achiever (driven), Analyst (process oriented), Individualizer (appreciates the diversity of the individual), Learner (learns and applies), and Relater (active listener).  It’s a bit late in life to change career course since my formal education runs parallel to my chosen profession.  Of all the different functions in HR, the one that fires me up most is learning and development which really suits my strengths.  It’s a match that’s better than one found on match.com.      

Regardless of what may be going on in my world, I enjoy life!  Some days are better than others, but all are good.  Unfortunately, the number of hours I/we have been given are finite.  Be assured, my next job will be doing something that keeps my juices flowing.

Life During Unemployment

The first question after nearly two years of unemployment is, “how in the hell did I get here?”  The second is, “what’s next?”

The answer to the first question is, I think I know, but not really sure.  In April, 2009 I was advised that the CEO was leaving and I would be too.  I could resign with a 90 day notice, or they could terminate me without cause (allowed in right to work states).  This notice was 2 weeks after I received my maximum allowable performance bonus.  How contradictory and confusing is that?  And it came a week before my vacation to London town. 

I worked the entire 90 days and left without a severance since the economy forced the company to change its policy on severance packages.  The lesson learned for me was that if you work in a corporate environment, you can not escape the politics of the corporate office if you return to the field.  As it turns out, a new CEO arrived and brought on the HR Director who had worked with him at his prior facility to replace me.   It doesn’t take a genius IQ to see that picture. 

On to the second question.  I was, am and will continue to be confident in my knowledge, skills and abilities, so why would I be concerned about landing on my feet with a comparable job?   Eighteen months later you realize it is truly a jungle out there…survival of the fittest.  An article by Fan Hansen in Workforce Management indicated that the most conservative official estimate suggests 15 million unemployed people are vying for 2.5 million jobs.  As a follow up for a HR Director position I applied for, I was informed that I was 1 of 50 qualified candidates being considered for a phone screen that was culled from over 400 applicants.  Never got the phone screen L.

I liken the job application submittal to pulling the handle on a slot machine in a casino.  The odds of winning a

phone interview are small, but over time you get just enough interest to give you hope that you might win a face to face interview, which by the way, is really rare for the jobs I seek, as is hitting the jackpot.   The longer you stay unemployed, new questions arise in the phone interviews – “What have you done since you last worked?”  “With your credentials and experience why hasn’t anyone hired you yet?”  In other words, “what’s wrong with this dude?”  I just viewed an article by Deanna Hartley for Talent Management magazine that was titled, Don’t bother applying if you’re unemployed, which suggests that some companies appear to view the unemployed as “damaged goods” and that discrimination, albeit illegal, toward this group may exist, making it even harder for them to get back to work. 

The most frustrating part of this experience has been when I win enough to make it to the final four (face to face interviews), and leave that meeting with the confidence that I nailed it and expect the job offer the next day only to be informed that they decided to go with someone else.  In some cases I received no response at all, which leaves you hanging.   I’ve seen the good and the bad HR departments in this journey and wonder how much the senior leadership understands HR where there the bad exist?  There have been a few occasions where I have too much experience (more than the hiring manager), or not enough of a specific area in HR (labour relations – union contracts, benefits sourcing negotiation, etc.).    I have been told I was over qualified and they would not consider me any further because they expected me to leave soon after I got the job.

Beyond the competition, I ask, “why haven’t I been hired?”  It made me wonder if my former employer changed their position about me being eligible for rehire, which I found was not the case.  Many companies give out only the following information about former employees when asked by prospective hiring companies:  name, dates of employment, ending salary, and eligibility for rehire.  Some companies will not be that generous in providing that information. 

I’ve revised my resume several times and created a couple of versions that are specific to what kind of job I am seeking.  I prepared responses to behavioural based questions (tell me a time when you … and what did you do?, or can you give me an example when you…and how did you respond to that?) that good HR departments use in employment interviews.  I followed up with people who received my applications.  I bought two new “power” suits specifically for face to face interviews.  I learned how to use Skype for phone & face to face interviews.

The reality is who you know gets you in the door, and what you know keeps you there.  A friend of mine I used to work with is also unemployed and she just landed a job via someone she goes to church with who hooked her up with the opportunity.   I’ve pretty much been one to fend for myself and to refrain from asking anyone for help.  I am almost at the point, where I will have to get out of my self-reliant comfort zone and begin a new journey of meeting people who know people who only know where the real jobs are.

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I request your thoughts and prayers for my step-son Jim who leaves soon to contribute to our country’s commitment to defend the democratic process of freedom in lands where people have been oppressed.  Thanks much to Jim and those in the Armed Forces, past and present.

Starting Terry's TV Blog

It has been nearly 2 years since I last received a paycheck from an employer and I am so very tired of this scenario, as is my immediate family.  I spend hours each day submitting applications for employment close by and far away.  A frustrating experience is a great understatement.  To keep from going stir crazy, I decided I needed to do more constructive things with my time that would stimulate my mind as if I were at work rather than looking for work.

Why a blog?  Facebook is a great medium for gaining snippets of insight about someone, reconnecting or keeping in touch.  It does not satisfy the need to expound on expression of thoughts.  Hence, blogs were created to give people who believe they have something to say a platform to say what they would like others to hear.  How egoist and selfish is that?

Additionally, while being comfortable in front of a group speaking to others, I am more effective in articulating my thoughts via writing than speaking.  And, social media (blogs, tweets, friend updates, etc.) provide a vast network of readers whose numbers could not be equaled through face to face interaction.

So here I am, making my first stab at creating a blog.  Not just any blog, but a blog about my thoughts and views about people, i.e., the imponderable events, the plausible outcomes, my acute reflections, and the queries that surround life’s mysteries; both tragic and comedic.  The name of this weekly blog is Terry’s TV (Thoughts & Views).  Hope that you will tune in from time to time or become a regular viewer and hope that my thoughts and views will trigger your own to concur with mine, disagree with me, or take some positive action that benefits you and others.

http://terryltv.blogspot.com/