Last weekend I attended a funeral that acknowledged the life of a woman who lived 96 years. There were multiple stories told whereas a stranger could get a sense of who this person was. As an “outsider” at this funeral one thing that really resonated with me was the meaning of family. A sister 94 years of age, two children, grandchildren, and a host of nieces and nephews who brought spouses and offspring gathered after the grave site service to share memories of the deceased, catch up with what was occurring in their own lives, and partake in eating tasty food prepared by friends, family and members of a church the sister attends. It was more a joyous event than a solemn one.
Death has a unique way of bringing people together. Most often they shove aside differences for a short period of time to honor the departed. It can provide a forum to repair deep seated wounds and rekindle relationships. It can also be a time when civility is afforded at the funeral and then a greater degree of estrangement afterwards. While no family is without some speck of dysfunction, this particular family I was fortunate to befriend was close knit and very accepting of each other, flaws and all.
This observation caused me to ponder about my own family. I have a close, healthy and good relationship with my wife, children, and mother. Facebook has allowed me reconnect with cousins and even second cousins. My father died in 1999. Since then, the relationships with my siblings have been fairly non-existent. I don’t dwell on why or how we got here, I just accept that we all just don’t want to be in the same room at the same time and if we never saw each other again, sadly we would be ok with that. I trust that civility will rule when the time arrives to pay homage to my mother’s life.
An acute difference between my family and the family of the deceased is geographic proximity. I look at the closeness of my cousins on my dad’s side of the family. All my uncles and aunts on both sides of the family never strayed too far from Colorado, nor have most of my cousins (1 state radius - AZ, NM, UT, WY). The lack of distance between residences enables easier pathways to enjoy face-to-face interaction. Growing up in Tennessee is considerably different than growing up in Colorado or Wyoming and that distance along with limited interaction does not fare well for closeness. It is the closeness of my parents to their siblings that fostered the relationships I now have with my cousins and second cousins.
My father was the exception in his family. He had an independent and restless soul. During my first year of school I attended 3 schools in 2 different states (Washington & Colorado). My dad then accepted a job in Newfoundland, Canada and we lived there 4 years. While in Canada, we spent 2 weeks each summer on the road going back to Colorado to visit family. Those were fun and memorable times. After Canada we landed in Tennessee…1,000 miles away from Colorado.
The family of the 96 year old deceased matriarch all live in Arkansas. What was interesting to me was that even though they all reside less than 2 hours from each other, they only assemble collectively at funerals. Yet, because they all grew up together in the same or nearby towns, there was a closeness that could not be missed by anyone who was there. Each year during the July 4 holiday, my dad’s side of the family has a reunion in Colorado that provides an opportunity to strengthen the familial bond. I would really like to attend this year, but my job situation won’t allow me, however it is on my calendar for 2012/2013. It has been decades since I have last seen many of my cousins…much too long!
Like my father, I was the only child of my parents to leave home base. I moved to Texas. Needless to say, my interactions with my family are far too infrequent. My granddaughter is growing up so quickly and I am missing so much of the magic moments that define who she is becoming. The internet, smart phones and Facebook provide a bridge to overcome distance in maintaining a close, strong and healthy relationship, but it is never quite the same as being there in the present. Looks like it’s about time to go back to Tennessee or Colorado J.
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